Friday Morning Biscuit-capades

17 02 2012

Ahhh, Friday morning!  I didn’t even need my alarm to get up this morning! (Which is good since my phone, used for the alarm, was turned off…)  We have nothing exciting planned for the two days of freedom ahead, but I’m stoked just the same.

So I did something a little different this morning.  Normally, I drag my tired butt out of bed, despite the 10 hours of sleep I just got, sling clothes around looking for my favorite sports bra (in the laundry) and my stretchy capris (also dirty), pouting because I was having such a GREAT dream, then fling out my yoga mat like it insulted my momma and glare at Julianne Michaels as we start my morning workout. Today, I decided to channel all my energy and great mood into something other than miss “look at my awesome abs that you wish you had” ‘s morning butt-kicking: breakfast!!

A week or so ago, I saw this awesome post over on Kitchen Slattern’s blog about how easy it is to make your own biscuits.  My dad always made us homemade biscuits, including last week when J and I were visiting, and I miss my dad.  So what better way to silence my homesick-ness than choke it with biscuits?!

You might have read a while back about my new-found enjoyment of cooking, despite my frequent disasters.  “Improvising” has become my middle name!  But if you take a peek at this recipe, you’ll sigh with relief.  Three ingredients, three steps.  Sparacus the Spaz (my beta) could make these.  And they take 30 minutes – tops! – including cooking time, so I could even whip them up before J left for work.

Well, if you know me at all, you know things never work out for me quite like they should.  I’ve come to believe it’s a family trait.  If there’s an easy way to do something, we do the opposite.  I followed the recipe exactly – EXACTLY!* – and my biscuits definitely don’t look like hers…

Let me just tell you how things went down…

The flour is in the bowl, the butter has been cut up and tossed in, out comes the mixer.  My hand mixer is not super new, or super high-quality, but it usually manages to get the job done.  I have no idea what happened this morning.  The butter refused to be mixed into the flour.  The flour, however, got quite excited and decided to take flight all over my kitchen.  Yes, that means all over me, too.  And in the end, I still had to use a fork to break up the butter chunks.

Ok, no big deal, flour isn’t that hard to clean up, my antique t-shirt I sleep in (and was still wearing) will wash, and the butter still got cut into the flour.  Not a tragedy, just typical for me.  Step 2 – add the buttermilk and…wait, what?  Buttermilk?  I don’t have any buttermilk.  Why’s it gotta be BUTTERMILK?!  (Yes, I see the recipe is called “Buttermilk Biscuits” – what’s your point??)  So here I am once again, improvising.  I don’t even drink milk, so we’re using whatever J has, and that would be 1%.  Eh, milk is milk, right? (Don’t answer that.)

Once again, my weak-sauce mixer wasn’t up to the task and after jabbing the one dough ball trying to break it up, I finally used my hands to finish it off.  Then I tossed it on the counter (sorry, the pastry mat is still on the “I Want” list) with a little flour and gave it a nice punch.  This is my favorite part of doing anything with bread – the kneading.  Talk about stress relief!  I kneaded away for a bit then busted out the rolling pin.  Unfortunately, I realized too late that I got a little too excited with this part.  My dough was a bit thin.  These are biscuits, not pie crust!

homemade biscuit mess

I could really use that pastry mat...and a countertop without chips in it...

Meh, no worries, I’ll just cut rectangles instead of squares and fold them over.  Same dif, right?  (Insert a good snort here.)

I popped those odd-shaped bad boys into the oven and washed dishes for the 12 minutes they took to cook.  I flung open the oven to greet my masterpiece – !  You guessed it.  No masterpiece to be found.  The still-odd-shaped dough squares now resembled something like overweight saltines.

biscuits hot from the oven

Hm. Those don't look like biscuits....

J was not given a choice.  Due to the nuclear flour bomb and my lack of a pastry mat, I had quite the clean-up ahead of me.  He was going to eat those damn biscuits if I had to tie him down with my scarves and force feed him!  To my astonishment, he grabbed two, pried them apart, stuffed them full of butter and jam, and chowed down.  What a sport.

Surprisingly, they didn’t taste all that bad.  Not saying they were anything to rave about, but not that bad.  J said it best when I asked what he thought: “They’re…edible.”

homemade biscuits with butter and jam

Put enough butter and jam in there, and they aren't bad!

I bet this is what the pioneers lived on, the staple “bread” they ate with every meal.  It’s certainly cheap and easy (don’t call me names).  Makes me glad I’m not a pioneer…

Despite this semi-failed attempt, I will be trying again.  If nothing else, I’m persistent.  I think I should have kneaded it longer, or maybe the buttermilk would have made that much of a difference.  This will just nag at me until I can get it right.  And tomorrow I’ll just stick some cheese in the middle to finish up the leftovers.  Everything’s better with cheese….


*Ok, so maybe I didn’t follow the recipe EXACTLY.  So sue me.  It’s not like I could run down to the corner store for buttermilk!  Or make a fancy new mixer appear out of nowhere!  Yes, I’ll try harder next time…




2 responses

17 02 2012
Kitchen Slattern

I’m just guessing here, but I think they might have turned out better if you had added the baking powder and baking soda. Like they might have risen. Don’t be discouraged, and remember, you can make buttermilk by just adding a little vinegar or lemon juice to regular old milk.

Next time, send up an SOS and I promise I will talk you through it.

Thanks for the link!

18 02 2012

Hahaha – *palm to forehead* nothing like skipping a whole step to make things not turn out right! Trying to cook with my laptop in the kitchen with me always screws me up….
Thanks for the advise!

Give it to me straight -

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