Things are getting….weird.

23 10 2012

Well, maybe I should say things are getting weirder. We’ve never been accused of being normal here!

For one, it snowed last night. Oh, right, I live in Canada northern Washington, maybe that is actually kinda normal. But the trees are still all lit up with their bright yellows and oranges and reds – so it’s weird to me to have snow before the leaves have drifted to the ground. McClure does look dashingly handsome with his white coat on, though.

And my face is weird! I mean, not the outside of it. I can’t help my normally weird face. But today, I went and made it feel all weird, too. Remember the screw I got installed in my jaw bone a while back? Time for an up-grade – off to the dentist on my lunch break! Doc starts asking me about my upcoming move, then sticks his hand in my mouth and unscrews my current hardware. It didn’t hurt, but it felt, well, a bit strange. Then he thrust it in front of my face, holding up another chunk of metal next to it. “We’re replacing that one with this one.” Ok sure, whatev. Then he started literally screwing it into down into my bone with an allen wrench. But the new was at least TWICE as big as the old one! When I yelped in pain, the hilarious man quipped “There we go! I wondered when that would hurt!” No warning, no Novocain, nothing. We chatted a bit, the throbbing subsided, and he stuck his hand back in for a few more turns. I yelped, he stopped, we chatted – rinse and repeat. He was essentially gauging my jaw bone. Normal punks gauge their ears, I gauge my BONE. If that doesn’t get me at least a couple bad-ass points, I don’t know what will! (C’mon, let me pretend I’m hardcore…)

huge ear gauge

This hooker aint got NUTTIN on me!! (She would totally kick my face in, wouldn’t she…)
[image from]

My stomach has not felt up to par in AGES. (Or like 2 weeks – still a long time when we’re discussing stomach discomfort!!) I can’t tell exactly what’s going on. I’m not sick, nor have I been sick (don’t make me say it – you know what I mean!). There’s been the slight queasiness and nausea that naturally accompanies excitement over life-altering events, but that’s not it either. I’ve narrowed it down to 3 potential culprits: weird meals, vaccinations, or Larz.

We have a bit of a ritual in our house we like to call “dinner together” – we sit down and have our evening meal at the kitchen table – together – almost every single night of the week. A meal which I have cooked. And over the last year and a half, I’ve discovered I am an awesome cook (if I do say so myself). Then over the summer, almost every meal consisted of tons of fresh veggies from the garden. My point is: we eat good. Until the last two weeks, when I declared an end to all grocery shopping – time to clean out the fridge! We can’t take anything from the fridge with us, so its a race to see if we can eat it’s contents before the movers arrive on Friday – and we’re doing a helluva good job. But this means meals have taken a whole new meaning… We ate four different kinds of pasta last week – but used up all the open bags of pasta, all open jars of sauce, and all remaining fresh veggies. Victory! Now we’re down to meals of chunks of cheese covered in bar-b-que sauce, pickles on the side, a dollulp of sour cream for dipping, and chicken broth to drink. Yummy!

If strange food weren’t enough, I’ve also been pumping my body full of enemies. Traveling to a developing country and plans for the Amazon rainforest pose a bit of a health risk…meaning we need tons of vaccinations. And all these vaccinations are making me G.O.O.F.Y. with a capital ‘goof’ capital ‘y’.  My body is rising up in rebellion against me for opening the door and inviting such horrible things in – hepatitis, yellow fever, typhoid fever, maleria. The joker that stabbed me for yellow fever said they use dead strains of the virus these days, but STILL! My white blood cells are scrambling to build up their soldiers antibodies against so many different Nazis viruses like we’re gearing up for World War III! Besides my poor tummy being upset, my brain is addled, I’m tired and mopey, and I just feel generally off. Not cool, yo. Especially because I gots things to DO!!

The last theory involves Larz. J has been feeling weird, too, for the same reasons obviously, and he came up with this one: we definitely contracted a tapeworm. Both of us. I named the tapeworms Larz and pointed out smartly that we haven’t been to the jungle yet, where we would be much more likely to actually get a tapeworm. All the same, it became a joke. Every time one of our bellies rumbles, we reply to Larz. If a little gas bubble escapes, we blame Larz! “Larz! How rude!” It’s kinda nice, actually, to have a scapegoat.

Let’s recap: I’m cold, my face hurts, and an alien has abducted my digestive system. Moving on.

There have been a few…perks. We’ve started rearranging and organizing things for the movers, and setting aside things that we’ll take in our cars instead of letting the movers put in storage. Some things just aren’t worth moving…such as bottles of wine. They could get broken and ruin everything! Guess we better drink them! So fun. Glass in hand, I also started throwing things away. (This got more exciting when the glass was the second or third…) Magazines that I was keeping for…uh…why would I keep magazines? Trash! I’m never going to sew up this shirt – garbage! These cutesy pictures I once considered sticking up on the wall – toss ’em! This is why I love moving. I may not be doing the actual packing, but I can still PURGE! That (and the wine) make me feel oh-so-much better. 🙂

Just a couple more days, then the whirlwind begins!! I hope Larz can keep it together…. This very well might be my last post from the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!! So, while we’re talking about how weird everything is, I would just like to throw out there I am NOT skirting my patriotic duty and I will be submitting my ballot by mail to vote. We didn’t strategically plan to be out of the country during the election. And if I can vote despite all of what’s going on, SO CAN YOU. I don’t care what your politics are, I don’t care what wacko you root for, but get your buns out there and take advantage of your right to vote. And that is the most political I’m ever going to get. Now go forth and prosper! I’m going to bed.





4 responses

24 10 2012
Miss Snarky Pants

Can I have Larz when you’re done with him? I’ve got a ton of weight to lose. Have fun in the Amazon.

24 10 2012

Absolutely. Is that going to make things awkward? Maybe I’ll just bring back a Larz for you to call your own. PS: I forget to tell you how much I love the new look!

24 10 2012
Miss Snarky Pants

Thanks so much! Won’t be awkward for me if Larz delivers. I realize I stepped away from the blogging world for over a month, but how did I miss you moving to the Amazon? Or am I totally and hopelessly confused?

24 10 2012

Oh girl, I wish I was moving to the Amazon! (But my mother would kill me, and probably you too just for mentioning it) But I’m visiting the Amazon and Peru next week and moving to the border of Washington and Oregon when we get back. Wanna come pick out your very own Larz?

Give it to me straight -

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